Fears brought to light...and laid to rest

This has been an interesting week. I have found a new level of worry and frustration. I am typing what I feel. It is personal and real. It will probably be choppy and lacking my normal awesome flow. :) I'm just going to get it out of my head so I won't forget my ponderings.

The school called around 1:45 Monday afternoon to tell me K was in the nurse's office. (She'll finally go back on Monday.) Yep, she has been home ALL week. She never really had a fever or the yucks, but she was just run-down. She had absolutely no energy. She didn't even feel like going to Activity Days or the Book Fair. I was really getting worried about her. It was just so unlike K to be so tired and mopey without some obvious reason.

Thursday, she woke up with a yucky eye and a stuffy nose. Thank goodness. Not that I wanted her to be sick, but I finally saw a reason behind her fatigue. After a trip to the doctor, we found out she has pink eye and compacted sinuses. No wonder she was so tired! Her head and face are full of yuck! She is now on antibiotics and eye drops, and as of this afternoon, is no longer contagious. Now it is just a waiting game to see if anyone else in the family has contracted any of it. I do think little man is slowly coming down with something, though. He was just "off" yesterday and today. His eyes are droopy and his sweet little voice is hoarse. I've been sleeping on the couch so I can be closer to the kids if they cry out in the middle of the night (which has happened a few times....zzz....sleepy, I am).

Even though it is never enjoyable for children to be sick, I have been so grateful that we haven't had the stress of fevers, vomiting, or any other icky fluids. I am grateful to see a marked improvement in K's eye and hear her "sniffling" sounding better. I am grateful that even though little man may not be feeling that great, thus far he doesn't have a fever. I am so very grateful to have the priesthood in our home. I am grateful to Steve for living a life that welcomes the blessings of the priesthood without question. I am grateful to have these normal illnesses to worry through, as opposed to something much scarier.

Throughout this week, I have struggled with such fear in my heart. Not being able to easily see a reason for K's tiredness, I found myself worrying that something could really be wrong in her little body. Honestly, I was worried she had leukemia. I sit here and cry as I type that sentence. I have always been a worry-wort. I guess I come by it honestly. But where my children are concerned, sometimes I choose to assume that all is well. I just can't give in to my deep-seeded worries. I would go crazy. This week, I gave in.

When I was 7, I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. Even so, I have been extremely blessed. I learned about real prayer, and that it is in indeed answered. I learned about true faith, and how much I am loved by Heavenly Father and my Savior.
I went into remission during my first stay in the hospital and never relapsed through all the years of chemotherapy and treatments. I lost my hair; gained abnormal amounts of weight due to all the steroids; woke up some mornings with my entire mouth covered in ulcers and could barely fit a baby spoon of pudding in; vomited...lots; watched friends from the Hematology Clinic lose limbs, hair, and even their lives to their own personal cancers; and learned the best way to ignore IVs, spinal taps, and bone marrow treatments. Yet through it all, I was able to be a normal kid. My mom and dad are the best. I mean...the BEST! They fought for me to be able to play softball, to eat PB&Js, to go to school, to not feel scared about everything happening to me. I know what a huge financial nightmare my years of chemo were, but they never once let me see their worry or hear about any sacrifices. Even though they may not have always felt at ease where my leukemia was concerned, what they projected to me was that they always seemed to just know that everything would be okay.

I have no inkling how they managed to go through those days with smiles and encouragement. How did they know I would be okay? How could they know?
My mom and dad have always been best friends. I never saw that change. They just grew closer. That has been a huge blessing in my life.
Even when I looked hideous, even when I would freak out and refuse to take my meds and Daddy would stay up for HOURS with me until I calmed down enough to take them, even when I cried, even when I vomited...lots, even when I asked them questions I'm sure they really didn't know how to answer; they showed me such deep love that I never doubted it. My mom and dad love big and they love completely. I worry that I fall short as a mom.

This past week, I realized what my hidden worry was. It made me mad. I didn't want to worry about it. I didn't want to imagine it as a possibility. I really don't know how mom and dad did it. I don't know how any parent goes through it. Maybe I'm just weak. Maybe my faith is lacking. But I hope not. Someone told me you can't possibly imagine the intricacies involved in making it through a trial; you prepare ahead of time and then square your shoulders in the face of it. I find myself extremely grateful for the knowledge of how to prepare. I am grateful for more things than I can even begin to list or properly express.

Even in the times of worry or fear, gratitude is present. Gratitude is a constant. Gratitude is like a friend who calls you up when you're having a bad day just to say hi...and then shows up with dinner and dessert without even asking first if you need it.

Does it make sense to say I'm grateful for gratitude?
Going through who and what I am grateful for is empowering. I feel stronger and more able. I feel more at peace and more willing to accept His will.

Yay. I love feeling better.