Pumpkin Guts

Some days do you ever feel like pumpkin guts?

I'm having a pumpkin guts kinda time.

Have you ever seen a pumpkin that was just so perfectly formed and such a perfect shade of orange that you just couldn't stand the thought of ruining it's natural beauty by actually cutting into it and changing it to reflect your own ideas?

When you pick a pumpkin, you'll notice that from a certain angle, it looks pretty good. But if you really get close enough to start inspecting the entire thing, you'll discover imperfections that all but ruin the supposed beauty. You decide that just might be the one that will work because you can always hide one side, or cut into that one part that's displeasing.
Here come the pumpkin guts...
It is so much fun to cut into that pumpkin and scoop out the guts! At first, you are a little grossed out by the sliminess of the guts, but the more you interact with it, you grow immune to what at first repulsed you. In fact, it becomes almost a guilty pleasure. It's icky, but you find you really do like it after all.
But before you know it, the guts are gone and you're left with a shell of the not-so-perfect pumpkin. Now it's your turn to change the pumpkin into what you want it to be. It is completely in your hands. You discuss, you trace, you sketch...and then (deep breath) you make that first crucial incision. As you continue with your project, you realize it's not so bad. If you make a mistake, you just cut out a little bit more until it looks 'close enough'. A little while later, and you're done. You add light on the inside, place the top back on, and display your creation for all to see.
But what about the guts?
Sometimes they just get chunked. Sometimes the seeds are salvaged, seasoned, and toasted for others to enjoy. Sometimes the slimy parts are changed into a yummy filling for a special treat. Either way...the guts are irreversibly changed.
And the shell may look good for a while, but it's not what it once was...not what it was meant to be.

I want to be that pumpkin that looks so good you just can't stand to change it.
Unfortunately, I think I'm the pumpkin guts.

I look okay on the surface, but if you get too close, you'll notice I don't always have it all together. Who does, right? No one. There are imperfections that mar the surface. Who doesn't? No one. But sometimes I wonder if any of my surface is okay. What if I'm just too involved in 'stuff' to really notice what my surface is looking like? What if I don't really have a clue what my guts are like? Do I take the time for me? Not at all. I'm that pumpkin that will get chosen because most of it looks okay on the outside. But watch out when you get to the inside...it might not be so pretty! And I do not want my guts to be so easily disposed of.
I want to be so together on the inside that it shows all the way through to my outside. I don't want to be so easily changed by a passing whim or idea.
I don't want to appear 'good enough' on some parts of my surface to just get by.

What if I just want to be good so badly that I've pretended my way into actually believing it?
If I look inside, will I see what I try to project on the outside? Maybe not somedays, but I am going to try so hard to really focus on my 'guts'. No tricks for me. I want to be "what you see is what you get" and then know that it is something good. I want to be solid and strong and pleasing to those around me.

Is it weird that I want to be a pumpkin?